Those Jokers Squad Numbers in Full:

1. Number One is Pete Linter, travel agent, Pompey fan and Jokers’ keeper, manager and tactical svengali. Despite the presence of several travel agents in the Jokers team, away trips are rare, so Linter is normally found down at the pub after matches, discussing the finer points of the game with anyone else who wants to listen (normally Vere). Will occasionally be drawn on cricketing subjects, but other than that it’s strictly Jokers and Pompey. Was not managing the team when we bought the kit, otherwise would have given the reserve keeper’s jersey no. 99 or something stupid.

2. ‘Bobby H’ is the name on the back of the shirt, but you have to have played for a while to remember Rob Harper. We haven’t so much retired the number as it’s fallen into disuse. Made his last Jokers appearance in front of a group of laughing kids at Haggerston some years ago.

3. In common with a lot of fancy teams, the Jokers’ no. 3 plays at right-back. In this case there is a reason: Ollie Keen was a dutiful servant on the left for a number of seasons before the emergence of Tatum and Lynes, and the retirement of ‘Bobby H’ moved him over to the right, which is OK, as Ollie’s an easy-going guy, and besides, he’s right-footed. Another of the cricketing fraternity. Also responsible for donating several ‘Nepalese Academicals’ shirts to the kit bag (see below).

4. Now here is a shirt that deserves to be retired. Gabriel Sterne picked no. 4 after his hero David Batty, and was never happier than when throwing his diminutive frame into 40-60 challenges. Managed the Jokers for years and oversaw the change from red/black to blue/black (not as easy as it sounds). A Jokers legend who still makes the odd appearance, reminding us why we should retire the shirt. Since moved to Washington DC and the retirement home of the NASL.

5. No. 5, the tough-tackling centre-back less able on the ball than the number 6. That’s how history sees this shirt. In actual fact it belonged to a bald (shaven-headed?) Geordie called Steve who disappeared with it a few years ago. Draw your own conclusions.

6. Pete Gamson picked this shirt. Hammers fan, so presumably after Bobby Moore, although critics argue Gamson is even less threatening in the tackle. Along with Sterne and Seaton-Smith is part of the Jokers snowboarding fraternity, which is always good for a season-ending injury (who can forget his 14 foot drop-off?). Now enjoying a free role after playing centre-back grudgingly for a number of years. Good job, so lots of foreign travel, although thankfully has not been caught near any Colombian jewellers as yet.

7. Like Gamson and Sterne, this one must have a club connection. Red-supporting striker Ed Norry picked the number of Dalglish and Keegan. A good player and given the length of service (presumably) scored more goals than anyone else in Jokers history, but no Dalglish or Keegan, which probably accounts for his reluctance to wear his own shirt, often leaving him in a bizarre 3-way competition with Mandolini and Read (see below) for a tatty Recoba Inter Milan rip-off shirt. Now, like so many others, enjoying well-deserved retirement in Bournemouth.

8. A couple of seasons saw this highly coveted shirt in the hands of a one of the slowest players ever to don the blue and black. A man who made every pass look bad with his uncanny inability to move towards a pass. He shall remain nameless.

9. Richard Cooke, deadly when the ball was played up to him on his left foot (make what you want of that). Cooke left for Japan taking the star striker’s shirt with him. Persistent rumours of a return. Famed for talking himself into a sending-off over an offside decision and a series of hamstring injuries. Also famous for scoring five goals in a single match on two separate occasions against the same team (the mighty Wee Bairns).

11. Juan Perez-Tejedor. All the clichés roll out for this man. Diminutive, tricky, Spanish winger. A Jokers talent uncovered in the days of Sterne’s scouting system, Tejedor is probably the most technically-adept Jokers player (these continentals). Virtually ever-present and now developing a delightful cynical challenge as pace goes. Like national team, suffers from lack of end product.

12. Who would want this number, seriously.

13. Bernard Vere chose this number in homage to Alessandro Nesta, but now plays more like Festa (Uncle, not Gianluca – which would be bad enough). Left footed centre-back, virtually ever-present. Started off at left-back, moved to centre-back, but still harbours hopes of a left wing role. Has not scored for years, a frequent theme for pub-based post-match discussions with Linter.

14. The Thierry Henry number does not have an owner, but deserves a mention because the Jokers have 3 no. 14 shirts and frequently take to the field with all of them, which is odd, because, for an Islington-based team, Gooners are thin on the ground.

17. Sam Lynes – a quality left-back who gets forward in the modern manner (i.e. can’t tackle). Chelsea-supporting Lynes suffers from over-dedication to his club, missing important fixtures at the merest sniff of a Sky match (as a Chelsea fan, he no doubt knows that money talks). Strange Jude Law obsession.

18. Emilio Fernandez-Corujedor - Emilio is the only serious rival to Linter's ownership of the 'tactics truck'. For many years he has distinguished himself with outlandish tactical contributions to Jokers e-mail discussions, whilst never playing. Recent gems include suggesting we adopt the 1-3-2-4 system used by Barcelona in the 1994 Champion's League final (in which, as older readers will remember, Barca were taken apart by AC Milan). Has surprised everyone by actual playing football recently, reminding us that he does own a shirt and that he's not a bad player.

21. Stuart Sparkes – There are generally three ways for a Joker to end his career. Injury may force them from the game, or parenthood may impose an onerous burden. Or they may inflict it on themselves by deciding to do an MBA. As in the case of former keeper Dave Wall, Sparkes has chosen the latter route and made only one pre-season appearance last campaign. Typically, he scored and with his ability to take on players in the box we can only hope he gains his qualification quickly and returns to the fold.

22. James Howgego - Such was Howgego’s dedication to the Jokers that he played for the team while living in Brighton. Then again, he’s a Spurs season ticket holder so has to have something interesting to do at the weekend. Now back in London, but currently injured.

55. Paul Seaton-Smith chose 55 after deciding that ‘Seaton-Smith’ was too long to go on the back of a shirt. This was in the days of Chris Bart-Williams rather than Sean Wright-Phillips. Would he make the same decision now? Anyway, this was clever as ‘55’ looks like ‘SS’. Another uncovered by Sterne, after a sojourn in Australia, Seaton-Smith came back as the Jokers got promotion, only to fall victim to a snow-boarding-related dislocated shoulder.

Paul Seaton-Smith

Other players

Paul Tatum – Saints-supporting Tatum obviously does not suffer from Lynes’s live coverage fixation. A good alternative at left-back who can also play on the right.

Denis Gromb – Now in his second spell for the Jokers, Gromb plays centre-defence and hates shinpads so much that he’ll only wear the pair in the bag rather than buying his own. This alone would make him a natural for the number 5 shirt if that Geordie bloke hadn’t gone off with it (see above) but tough tackling and ability to head the ball half the length of the pitch also helps.

Colin Read – Utility player whose two-footed ability is so good that no-one really knows which foot is his natural. Good crosser of the ball and happy on either side of the pitch, or anywhere along the back. Not good at responding to e-mails.

Alex Hyde – Central midfielder. Hyde is good in the air, adept on the ground, and tough in the tackle. He’s also got a decent shot. Appearances are restricted as he’s just become a father (see Sterne above. This has left a large hole in the Jokers’ midfield). Still, at least it’s not an MBA, a qualification that has brought an instant end to more than one Jokers career.

Mick Milner – Skilful midfielder who has made the left-midfield berth his own. Weighs in with goals as well (Juan take note). If there’s a flare-up he’s bound to be at the centre of it. Has a particularly close relationship with Irish referee, but has yet to cross the boundary and be sent off. Let’s hope he doesn’t follow Cooke’s example and get sent off over an off-side.

Dan Franklin – Midfielder who puts in an occasional appearance after having been dealt a serious injury by one of his own team. A skilful player who once scored a goal from long range, which he seemed to think legitimated endless attempts to try and repeat the feat. Also fondly remembered for his ‘zombie’ match, where a hungover Franklin walked around dazed and confused before presenting the opposition with their winner.

Jack Wilby – New kid on the block and last season's top scorer. Has pierced tongue and if tabloids were interested in the Jokers would be star. Fortunately they’re not, so has to make do with regularly scoring at Market Rd rather than anywhere else. Has the talent to go far in the game if not sent down for drink-driving, roasting, or whatever else it is these youngsters get up to.

David Stevens- New player for 05-06 season. Another forward, arrived at the club after two season playing in the french lower leagues. Rightfooted, typical english centre forward style player. Although age and beer are taking their toll. Wants the number 14 shirt, but as there are 3 of them will score a hatrick before making a claim - may take some time.

Ewan King- New player for 05-06 season. Yet another forward, product of the same Warwick youth system that produced Perez, Seaton-Smith and Gamson. Former sprint champion turned lumbering target-man.