Jokers 1 – 2 Clissold Park Tornadoes

Team: Linter; Lynes, Vere, Gamson, Sterne; Read, Hyde, Gromb, Perez-Tejedor; Mandolini, Wilby.

Scorer: Lynes (“from the half-way line”)

‘Diabolical’. A ‘travesty’: Just two of the words that chav team Tornadoes probably can’t spell, but would be well-advised to look up in their dictionaries (if they have them) as they survived a second-half battering to nick a winner in the curiously appropriate setting of Mile End to book their berth in the semi-finals and crush the Jokers’s cup dream. Clissold were sporting an attractive new white and red kit, but the rumour that it had a Burberry-check lining went unconfirmed. The famous Nerazzuri kit was also the subject of some discussion. Captain Linter realized with horror after Sunday’s match that he had entrusted it to Gamson, notorious for being late to Mile End and getting changed on the touchline. So it was to prove again, as nine of the team assembled outside Mile End tube and the very creditable time of 6.25, only to spend the next half-an-hour waiting for the kit to arrive. As Mandolini pointed out in the dressing room, people were inventing new warm-up exercises. The other Joker, Read, took the unusual step of going to Market Road and arrived towards the end of the first half.

With ten men the omens were not good against a team lying second in Division Two and it initially looked like the Jokers could be on the end of a beating. When the Tornadoes opened the scoring it was under controversial circumstances. A ball from deep in the Tornadoes’s half found the Jokers defence maintaining a high line, which seemed to have caught the Tornadoes’s number 10 well offside. Despite howls of protest, the Irish referee allowed play to continue and he took the ball round Linter before finishing. Minutes later, the same player, who ran around with the puppyish enthusiasm of a young man who’s just heard about a sale on ‘bling’ at H. Samuel, smacked a shot against Linter’s left upright. Thereafter, fortunately, he was to fade from the game, victim to belief in his own genius, which saw him trying ever-more ambitious moves, and to his lack of understanding of the offside law, which saw him booked for dissent. During this period, the Jokers had only one real chance, Wilby beating the keeper to the ball and prodding it past him only for a covering defender to get back and clear. Meaningful Jokers attacks would have to wait for the arrival of Read. Some of the Tornadoes players looked a bit shocked as he came onto the pitch, not because of his ripped, numberless shirt, but because what they had previously taken to be a stroll in the park had now been evened up. So it was to prove.

Half-time saw a tactical change. Gromb, always in the wars, had picked up another nasty knock at about the time of Read’s arrival. The Frenchman, a walking bruise, would have been forgiven for muttering “Sacre bleu” “Zut alors” or some such and immediately reducing the team back down to 10. To his immense credit he not only stayed but played manfully through the pain barrier and was last seen hobbling into a cab at Mile End. We can only imagine his pain as he reads this, but, Monsieur, you team-mates salute you (not that that’s going to make the pain go away). Anyway, he was in no condition to play in central midfield and so was pushed up front with Wilby as Mandolini dropped back.

The second half was all about the Jokers, but in a groundhog day scenario, second-half possession seemed unwilling to translate itself into goals. The keeper advanced smartly to smother a Gromb shot and pulled off good saves from Perez-Tejedor and Wilby. Other balls were fired across goal or just over as the Jokers ran the show, a seemingly disorientated Clissold team unable to get out of their own half. When the equalizer came, it was in bizarre circumstances. A tackle from behind on Mandolini produced a free-kick on the halfway line. Lynes hit it long, but not to the far post he was aiming for. As he hit it, his ‘Oh shit’ seemed to signal the end of the move, but not so, as Hyde made a run across the box, did not get a touch, but did enough to put the keeper off, the ball bouncing over his head and in to the net. 1-1 and game very much on.

At this point Jokers were enjoying so much possession that only two outcomes seemed possible: a Jokers win, or penalties. As the game neared its conclusion, Linter’s mind turned towards which of his trusty men would be taking a kick. An unconfirmed report suggests that Wilby, Gamson, Lynes, Hyde, Read and Mandolini were all in the frame, but it was not to be. A harsh free kick awarded against Sterne at the corner of the box saw the Tornadoes float the ball to the far post where an unmarked, and short, defender had to stoop, yes stoop, to nod the ball into the net from close range. An ignominious end to the Jokers cup run, not that the Tornadoes will care (bet they can’t spell ‘ignominious’ either). The Jokers are now free to concentrate on the league and, with the Tornadoes looking certain to play in Div 1 next season, the team will have to earn their right to revenge by avoiding swapping places with them.