Editors: PLEASE use article numbers to identify the article about which you are asking questions. Write in blue.
Writers: No need to identify yourselves other than by number. Write in some other color than black.
Everyone: Let's try to keep questions and answers by article in numeric order, so we all can readily find the article we need.
Writers, please respond in red type.
Questions for 301 from 303:
#1:
Graph 1: I think sunlight is one word. Maybe use gathering instead of crowd in the lead just for the connotation that goes along with crowd. Also do they really sing Psalms or hymns? The first song was Psalm 23 put to music. Graph 2: Perhaps choose different wording for “to carry out.” How does "to practice" sound? Sounds great. It seems a bit wordy. I think you might be a bit redundant with “on campus” and “at
Other suggestions: If you are able to find out when the association was founded, I would put the year in the nutgraph. Since this is an association, would it have officers? Yes, I have asked for the names. If so, find out who these people are and see what they have to say. How does the CSA actually reach out to the students on campus? From what they said, the group mostly focuses on its members because it is too small to do much in the way of outreach. Do they do any sort of volunteer work that might be of worth noting? Since they are a small group, does it create a tighter knit community? Very tight, but how would I display that? Do they help out with the service? Lead readings, help with communion...how do they decide who does what and why do these certain people want to do these certain things? Maybe get some good quotes on how well they How and why do people get involved in the group? They get involved by attending the meetings/services. The why is because of their passion and belief, but how would I state that? Maybe you could explain how certain members found out about the group, why they continued to be involved. did it enhance their belief by being able to meet with other Catholic Berry students? What does McConkey and Berlardi think about the CSA? Berlardi thinks it's, "A good thing." McConkey's answers were equally vague. Okay, that's unfortunate! I know that McConkey says that the "CSA has helped clarify a lot of that," but I'm just wondering: how? What specifically are you aiming for in your article: giving information about Catholicism or talking about the Berry CSA? I was aiming to talk about CSA, but I felt the need to explain some on Catholicism. How can I make this clear? I would aim for more what the group does as a whole and on an individual level. How they got involved, how they stay involved with the group, what the association means to them. All to show "outsiders" what exactly they do (although the Catholicism 101 helps too). I think the conversion point with Brett Adams was interesting, but you don't have to focus on it too much; however, it might be a good way to show what the CSA does for those interested in Catholicism... I would start the article by just talking about what the group does as a whole, which you do but add a bit more about how the members participate. I don't know what to say about participation or where I could include this where it would fit with the piece. Most of my quotes just talk about the nature of the club, what they think about various aspects, and the like. ex: "Members can lead readings and help with communion at Sunday mass and weekly read a religious work chosen by the group to later discuss" and then have a transition to lead into a quote of what one person specifically does. And then the CSA has helped students "understand Catholicism" better, so I would try and see how they reach out to Berry and then help each other. Don't they hold an "informative mass" each year? Yes, I mention this briefly in Graph 29. Do they join with other religious groups on campus to hold certain programs/activities? I don't think so... I know they are an extremely small group and mostly come together primarily for Sunday mass, so there might not be much to them, but you already found some really interesting points. Personally, just thinking about the
I know you have a very limited amount of time, but here's some new suggestions:
Graph 3: I would still suggest getting the year of the student. Done. :) Graph 5: Needs to flow and introduce McConkey's quote. It's a vague attempt... Graph 6: I think chaplain is lower case, but I would check the AP book. Your right. I was just confused over the title issue. Graph 7: "the oldest branch of Christianity" is repeatative. Changed. Graph 8: I think this quote actually needs to go. Your probably right on that one. I just thought it was a really neat one, so I wanted to put it in there. It doesn't help much though. Graph 9: I would definitely introduce the quote and person in graph 10 better because one you read that quote you have no idea where it came from and what it means, at least in my opinion. Graph 10: I think having the "referred to a girl" phrase is just not going to work. Find out who she is if possible and maybe see if you can get a good quote from her. I tried to clarify it some through the introduction. I didn't get a chance to interview her though. Graph 17: this sounds like opinion: "seems like an odd reason for prejudice" I switched to "surprisingly" which still seems to be of similar character, but less starkly so. Also it still introduces the quote decently. Overall I still think the focus is too much on the background of the religion and not enough about the practicing individuals in the CSA or at Berry. I guess the article itself ended out reflecting the interview process because the people I was interviewing would say that they really liked something then I would have to ask what it was. I suppose my questions about whats-what leaked into the article. You had the start of good things with the girl who was obviously welcoming/understanding enough to convince someone to join the CSA and be a possible convert, the idea that the CSA educates and provides experiences, that they are a tight knit group and that they helped get rid of misunderstandings on campus. Unfortunately, I didn't know how to expound upon any of it, and without further quotes anything that I said would come off as vague, confusing or biased. Think about why other people would care and if you quote is really saying something. I deleted a few... Also, look into the AP rules on (Roman) Catholicism. I think its right.
#2:
Solid story and I can tell you did your back research, but you may want to reorganize your lead. I originally thought it was about the whole maintenance crew of the the Cage. You need to name Goble in either the first or second graph. Also, you mentioned he makes sure the building is finished. I don't believe this is timely because the Cage is already finished. You may want to either take this out or reword it. You put a lot of stress on his family-oriented character. Perhaps see if you can contact his wife and maybe talk with her. She, out of all people, would be able to give great insight into why he is so laid back. You can mentioned Williams knowing Goble for many years, but it's not necessary to go into detailed specifics of the history of their friendship. Overall, very good story with cohesive flow and just needs a few add-ins here and there.
Overall, great edit for the secoond copy. The changes you made in the first two graphs send the story off on a strong and clear note and that momentum carries through til the end. With how well you worded it, it's okay that you didn't contact his wife. Just a few things I saw to correct here and there:
Graph #1: the Cage Center is actually 130,982sq ft, I looked it up on the Cage Center site (who did you get the other number from?)....and it also says that the Cage costs an estimated $32.5mil, you may want to add in "estimated" to your story because it sounds like you're stating exactly how much is cost. I got the number from the athletic website....but it's all corrected now.
Graph #4: director of the Cage Center - director is not an official or political title, and should be lowercase Thanks
Graph #8: but not lazy," said Williams. This is a strength <----- add in quotes before This Thanks
Graph #14: "I got into education... you may want to add Goble explained instead of he explained, just for extra clarification Got it
Graph #15: you said that "praises and compliments seem to be the typical response" - you may want to reword this because it's not very clear.....sounds to me like he may just be great at faking it and has some tyrant side, the "seem to be" is a problem in
wording. a little weak, just needs some touchup
OK I changed it around a bit...also, his wife finally emailed me back so I put a quote from her in the story. If you don't think it's necessary, then just take it out. Thanks.
#3:
Editor speaking - I wrote in black for clarity.
First, I want to say that you covered an important topic that needs to be reported on and you did a good job. However, there are some important changes you need to make. The lede - I feel that the lede is your opinion. The word, "promises," is the main word that causes your opinion to come across. A simple change may fix the problem, but a complete redo of the lede might not be bad. How does "will be challenged" work? I'll look at the whole lede and try to come up with something else. I don't think "will be challenged" will work. How about "should be challenged?" When you say something will happen or promises to happen, you appear as if you are taking a side. You cannot guarantee that the "Berry Buble" will be challenged. We may hope, but it is not definite. Good thought, though. Nut graph - You need a nut graph in this article. Tell who, what, when, where, why and how. You lead with an alternative lede so you need a nut graph to tell the reader what the story is about. I'll add one in before I jump to the quote. Graphs 2 and 3 - Is the story about Oakley or the sexual assault awareness week? It appears that you are writing a feature on Oakley in graphs 2 and 3, and switch to the awareness week in graph 4. A suggestion would be to add the nut graph and that might clarify this situation. I'll add the nut graph and then see about changing those graphs a little. Did Gettis campaign in order to win Miss Berry? I know she competed that night, but did she campaign in order to win? I talked to Peterson about this in class. He said campaign might be the best word. The Sexual Assault Center was the cause that she supported during the pageant. I'll work on wording that differently. Any suggestions? That is tough! Try to reword it if possible, but I'll look at it again in your final draft. It may not bother me as much then, especially since Peterson agreed with it. Your sources are good, but is there a faculty/staff member or community leader assisting with this week that you could get a quote from? As I understood it, the week was a student initiative. I think that any faculty or staff involved were just helping, and weren't really the main people behind SAAW. But I'll double check and see if there's someone else I should talk to. You might try to reach one of the Peer Educators. They did a bathroom poster about this issue. A peer educator would give you someone who has done a little background issue on the subject. I am not saying your sources have not, but I think it would establish your credibility a little bit more. Does Oakley have a title at the center? If so, that would maker her more credible instead of just a student who wanted to get involved. She started out as just volunteering and trained to be an advocate I think, I'll go back and check my notes on that. I think you should bullet point the weeks events. Take your information about the week and make into a bullet. (-Monday - put your Monday information here). Ok good idea. Beginning on page 2, the first graph needs to be placed with the previous graph. You mean combine the first graph on page 2 with the last graph on page 1 about tuesday? Not quite - Combine the Wednesday graph with the real experiences graph. I think our paper margins are different. Sorry about that. Jargon - What is a double series?(page 2, graph 5) I'm not exactly sure, that's the wording she used. Should I put it in quotes? I wouldn't suggest putting it in quotes because the reader still will not know what it is. You should explain it in the graph. "Carson put together a double series, definition of a double series." When you group Oakley and Gettis together as doing something, such as on page 2, graph 6 where you say they encourage students. Did they both encourage students to do that? They were both present for a good bit of the interview and would just add on to what the other said. They both agreed and commented on this. Ok, thanks for explaining that. I would suggest doing individual interviews in the future because it helps you keep your facts straight, but it appears you did a good job. Try to get one more source if at all possible. You have the minimum 3 requirement, but one more could greatly add to this story if done correctly. I know I have given you a lot of questions, but these are issues I think need addressing. We edit to take something that is good and make it great! Thanks for the comments! :) Thanks for responding to my questions! I hope my response was helpful to you.
#4:
-You might want to keep your lead one sentence just because it sounds cleaner. Plus, you don't want to start a sentence with a preposition like "for." I changed the lead and deleted the other sentence. In place of that sentence I simply added 'including their hair' to finish the lead.
-You should set off the phrase in the second graph "as well as head coach David Beasley" with commas. Got it covered.
-Make sure to check the AP book on the correct usages for "blond" and "blonde." I don't think you got it right in the second graph. Got that covered too. AP style refers to the term blonde as a reference as an adjective towards females. The baseball team members are not females so that needed to be changed. Thanks for the catch. I never realized this before now.
-The last sentence of the second graph seems a little weirdly worded. Maybe something like "most players dyed their hair blond" to shorten it to the point. Also, maybe, "shaved their heads in various styles, such as mohawks." Just make sure it's accurate before you change it. I stuck with your first suggestion as it seemed to fit better.
-Also, whenever you quote someone, Peterson tends to like it better if you put the person's name first before the "said." like, "Minney said." But make sure to keep it consistent throughout. Got it covered, thanks for the suggestion for the future.
-You might want to clarify Minney's position. His title sounds like baseball jargon to readers who don't know what a "middle relief pitcher" is. But make sure it's accurate however you change it. Got it covered as well. I simply changed middle relief pitcher to relief pitcher.
-After Minney's quote, don't start a sentence with "and." Maybe encourporate the meaning of that sentence into the following one about how the team's unity lead them into the winning streak. I dropped the first sentence and added incorporated the same idea with the other sentence all in one.
-You say "dye their hair" twice in a row in two sentences in the second to the last graph at the bottom of the first page. Maybe find a different way to word it or to explain what happened. Also, I don't think you should use the word "despite" so close together two sentences in a row. Maybe think of a different way to tell that as well. I just simply cut out one of the second dye their hair as it was repetitive. Also, I deleted the second 'despite' and just reworked the sentence.
-I also don't think you should use the words "inconsistent" and "consistent" so close together on the top of page two. Maybe different adjectives to describe this. I dropped the second sentence of that graph as I felt this was repetitive. I feel that the quotes coming up in the story answer the issue of consistency and so it is no longer needed.
-Both quotes from Beasley seem very short. Is there anything else you can add to either one of them? I looked back through my notes and had nothing that I could quote from him word for word. I'll try to incorporate some more of the highlights of stuff he said.
-Good quote from Kimberley. I like the way that part was written. Thanks, I liked that quote as well.
-In the middle of page two, you might want to set off "in particular" with commas. It flows better that way, I think. I would agree.
-At the bottom of page 2, could you clarify what "these walls" is? Also, in that sentence, be careful of using passive voice like "has been" because you immediately in the next sentence go onto present tense. I changed the had been to became and then elaborated on what exactly the walls were.
-Be careful not to use the word "despite too much in the story. It's the beginning of a graph, once again, on the last page. Got rid of the sentence and just started the graph with Beasley said....
-On the last graph, you may want to word the beginning something more like "As for the future" instead of "as far as the future goes" because that's just an extra "as." Got it covered.
Overall, I like your view on the story. The feel from it was good, but maybe using a longer quote from the coach instead of paraphrasing him most of the time. Good work. Thanks for your advice. I really appreciated it.
#5:
-Try to reword your lead, it sounds awkward when one read it. I will look at rewording this and making it less redundant, clearer and possibly less "safe."
-Try adding color to your lead ( I think an alternative lead would be great here) I was going for an alternative lead but I think I moved up the "newsy" graph and it cut into the alternative part. I will look at that again.
-A lot of your passages are redundant. Try not to repeat things you have already mentioned
-Your last graph is a little too sudden. When I read it I felt like there was supposed to be more. Closing with a quote would be a good idea. Ok, I will look for a good quote to possibly end with.
-How long has she been a professor at Berry? I will add that Johnson has been a professor at Berry since 1983 or I will actually do the math to find out how many years that is!
-Try not to fill up your paper with too many quotes
-Make sure all of your transitions are smooth
I will make the changes you suggested. I see many of the areas that are redundant or choppy and I will work on smoothing out those problems. Thanks.
#6:
Note from the Editor: I responded in green so you could read it better.
-Try to reduce wordiness and redundancies throughout. For example, in your second and sixth paragraphs there are a lot of unnecessary words. Things such as "will house 350 people" in the second paragraph and "the new buildings are expected to house about 20 students" in the sixth.I think it is important to mention these numbers; however, they are not set in stone, so I kinda have to include words such as "they are expected to hold...". How would you suggest I decrease the wordiness without cutting out the content? I understand what you are saying. I would suggest simply cutting out words such as "total" which are redundant. So your sentence would say, "will house about 350 people". It is much cleaner and you still have the approximation.
-A lot of your sentences seem choppy....for example, in your third paragraph you could combine some of the information and make your sentences flow better. I have combined the sentences in this graph into 2 sentences. Your sixth paragraph is very choppy--each sentence is a new idea. The whole paragraph is focused on how the buildings will create community, but there needs to be a smoother transition from once idea to the next. I added this sentence to the beginning: "To accomplish this, the designers have incorporated a variety of unifying elements into the buildings." I also made minor changes within the graph itself. So you took out "this is why" from the beginning of that paragraph? That will sound much better.
-In your eighth paragraph, I would suggest removing "that will serve to strengthen the sense of unity between the two buildings" because it is not needed. You have already stated that the "outside amenities" are for building community as well. -I commend you on your choice of words, but I would suggest changing words like "amenities" so your writing is simpler. Ok, I did this :).
-I would be consider re-arranging parts of your story so that it is more coherent. Your story is a little jumpy from one paragraph to the next. There is so much information, maybe concentrate on the more important things you want to communicate and expand on those. For example, what are the "living/learning units"? I still don't really understand. Honestly, I'm not quite sure exactly what they are, either. I specifically asked both Dean Heida and Lindsay Taylor about the living/learning units, but they were both pretty vague. It seems that the specific purpose of them is yet to be determined...Should I just strike that paragraph and not mention them at all?......Unless I hear otherwise, I'm going to get rid of the section about the living/learning units. Well, if you can't find out any more about what they are and how they would build community, I would suggest scratching it and focusing on the aspects of the dorms that you know the most about. Right now they give an idea of classrooms in your dorm, which is not very appeasing to most students unless you have an explanation for how they are a good idea and how students can benefit from that. If they are study areas, then say that instead of classrooms. And, after reading it through the first time, I didn't really have a good picture of why there is a need for new residence halls when they haven't worked on some of the old ones. The main reason they are being built now is so that rennovations can be completed to Dana Hall; as of right now, they don't have anywhere to put the guys as they work on the dorms. I mentioned this at the beginning; however, I can say more about this if you think I need to. How would you suggest I do this, tho? It doesn't seem like that fact needs much more than a sentence devoted to it, which is what I gave it... You are right. You mentioned it in the beginning.
-Why is the price of the new rooms going to be similar to that of traditional residence halls when it is actually nicer? The dorms will probably be a little more expensive than traditional dorms, but not as much as alternative housing. This is because, although they have some nice amenities, they don't have things like individual bathrooms and kitchens. I have expanded the paragraph about housing prices to explain more fully. That will be great.
-You have two opinions from freshmen males....Maybe have an opinion of someone besides freshmen? These opinions are not very solid, either. They don't have much depth or actual reasons for their opinion. I am going to try to get the opinion of an RA (because new housing options might affect them more than others), and preferably female, because my other two students are males. I mainly added the quotes from Chris - and especially Carlos - for some color. I thought that they gave the story an interesting flavor. Do you want me to get rid of these quotes?.....Ok, I got a Lemley RAs opinion. Unless you tell me otherwise, I'm going to get rid of the quotes from Chris and Carlos. I like the quotes from Chris and Carlos simply because you need a student's opinion and they are very different views, but I think it would be good to have an RA's opinion. That was an excellent choice because they probably have a more educated opinion.
It flows really well and the focus is much clearer. I think the new story gives the kind of feeling you wanted to convey and I like your added color in Dean Heida's quote :) You did an amazing job!
Two things:
1. You need to tell the reader at some point where you got all of your information about the new dorms. Was it Dean Heida? If so, say that.
2. The sixth paragraph is too much. There is too much information and your use of "also" and then "in addition" doesn't really work. I would suggest keeping your lead sentence and then talking about the last two sentences first. I would then suggest putting the bathroom stuff in a separate paragraph that follows the first (tying them together with transitions of course).
#7:
Here are just a few thoughts...
I am glad that you went with alternative lead, but I am not sure about "step up."
The wording in the second graph on page 1 is a little hard to follow, maybe use "since" instead of "as" in the second line. Also, the second graph should reflect what the lead is addressing.
What class did Roberts not get into?
A male voice in this article would be nice to have if they are trying to get more guys involved.
What year is Kathleen Higgins-Thomas?
Do not use girls in the fifth graph on page 2, use women.
I know that your focus is the ballroom dance club, but at times it seems that like the focus shitfts to Roberts.
Show the importance of the impromptu aerials practice and was Roberts just there or was Higgins-Thomas and the others practicing, too?
On the first paragraph of page 3, Bee is talking about where the swing club practiced last year, make a connection between that statement and the ballroom dance club.
Try and make better transitions between your different thoughts, for instance between talking about Roberts and Higgins-Thomas. Also between talking about the practice room and formal.
Work on the flow to your ending. I like the idea behind the ending, what to see in the future, just make it stronger.
The ballroom dance club is an interesting topic.
Other comments...
The second part of the lead should be changed to something that better reflects the nutgraph, such as but "students will still have the opportunity to dance."
Good Job on the reorganization of the nut graph.
Thanks for clarifying the class in the fourth graph.
In the fifth graph, 'Dancing with the Stars' should have single quotation marks not "Dancing with the Stars," because it is with in a quotation.
The sixth graph is a run-on sentence.
The seventh graph should also be broken up into atleast two sentence.
The beginnning of the eighth graph should be re-worded.
In graph eleven, who is she?
Was the practicing last year for swing dance or ballroom?
In the 16th graph, after the "and" needs a re-write.
Much better placement of the wedding part.
Do not need the date of the Spring Formal. Just need Spring Formal 2008.
Make sure that the original ideas are reflected throughout the article. Transition back to the original idea after the dances and wedding part.
Good Job on reorganization.
#8:
Is this a news story or a feature? You can go both directions with it, but determine which way and go with it.
Who is Hannah Carswell? There should be more information pertaining to the student behind this panel. What pushed her for this project?
If you are going to sum up immigration at Berry, Rome's immigration wouldn't hurt to put there as well, especially since you have a Rome resident present in the panel.
Is there a more captivating quote to support your lead? Perhaps, the lead should be changed as well.
Besides knowing one line about each of these people on the panel, how much more can you tell your readers?
Tell me more about "American life". What do they mean by that?
Well, it’s supposed to be a news story. How do I change it to make it more news-like without taking the significance of the topic out of it? The immigration panel is such a heavy event; it seems hard to justify writing a news story on it without mentioning the addressed personal nature of every topic. I definitely see the issue though. I’m going to move my nut graph up and shorten my lead to emphasize the event ore. I really don’t want to lose the color in my lead though. I’ll choose a new quote for the second graph as well.
Hannah Carswell is a senior student, I will put that in but my fifth graph did explain her intent.
I have some statistics for the number of foreign-born citizens in Rome but if I put that in will it seem out of place without further investigation into it? I worry about opening new doors for holes that I don’t have enough info for... what’s your advice?
Could you elaborate on the “one line” comment?
The “American life” comment only came up that once in that quote. I have no further information on it or their opinion on it. Should I add something?
#9
Hello! Your work is very colorful and entertaining. However, here are some thoughts:
1. Move the second paragrapgh about your experience with sports to after you have addressed what it is you are doing.
2. Address what you are doing early.
3. Take out jargon: "by a long shot", "all was well..." - these are cliche.
4. Please revise "you read it right" - I like the idea of a surprise talent, but phrasing is not pleasing.
5. You could join the "wearing my new confidence" to the "laughter evrywhere" paragraph (just a thought)
6. Great use of sources. They add so much color to the story.
#10:
New editor comments in green.
-The first graph should be later in the story. The lead needs to be more focused. What's different about the production of "Twelfth Night"? Focus on the modern spin of the play.
-Did you interview both lead actors and identity the roles of students you quoted?
-Try to get a more behind-the-scenes look at the play, especially for the second graph.
-Can you reorganize the structure of the story? Have a tighter summary of the play? Play with how the story is structured and find what flows the best.
-Check grammar and punctuation, especially use of commas before quotes and changes in tense. Use past tense throughout the story except when talking about the play's opening show.
-Last graph could be better. Fix the sentence structure.
Should the first graph be moved to the end of the story? So that all the dates and times are the last item that the reader gets to see? Also, how important should the fact that the show is set during the 1930s actually be?
The first graph needs to be at the end of the story. What's unique about the play is that it's set during the 1930s, so that should be your focus.
I did interview one of the lead actors. I also interviewed the director, a stage hand, and one of the supporting actors. Any other suggestions as to who else should be interviewed?
Keith Brooks is a veteran actor of BCTC and is known around campus. It would be excellent if you could get his perspective on the play.
I have gone to the theater several times and I have not been able to get in touch with Keith.
What information would you consider more behind-the-scenes?
Dig into the reason why the director decided to go with a modern version of the play, yet kept the Shakespearean language.
I will attempt to get a better and more detailed summary of the show.
Also, check your AP style for composition titles, academic titles and references. Make sure you have attribution at the end of the sentence. Some of the parcial quotes aren't needed in quotations marks, so try to be more selective on which ones you decide to use. Make sure everything contributes.
I did not realized that I switched tense that much. Thank you. You're very welcome!
Thank you for you help.
The lead needs to be changed. You should have a descriptive lead setting the scene of 1930s Montecarlo. If you decide to keep a similar structure of the lead now, reword "is putting on the production of". It's wordy and can be said more clearly. Carter's title in the second graph should be lowercased. The third graph on the plot summary should be towards the end of the story. You should focus on the 1930s aspect of the play. Within the summary, the last two sentences are repetitive, so reword them. In the fourth graph, Countryman is "an" associate professor not "the" associate professor. Also, his quote shouldn't be in direct quotations, but a paraphrase. In the fifth graph, the number of cast members needs to be the figure "20" not spelled out. Check AP style. Also, in the fifth graph "Other cast members..." should read "Some cast members...." Don't list every actor in the play. It's unnecessary. The lead actors, Keith Brooks, Jordan Bowman, Emma Harr, Robert Armstrong, Ian Alexander, Heather Busch, and Lyndsay Ricketson are the only ones that need to be noted. Interview Keith Brooks and Jordan Bowman to get more on the story's uniqueness. Each character had different accents and portrayed their character differently than what's in the original play. This needs to be highlighted. Ask how they made their own characters personal to them. When listing the actors and the characters they play, word it like "Emma Harr as Olivia" so it will be easier to read and less confusing.
The Dixon quote doesn't contribute to the story and should be cut. Use only the last name on second reference, not the full name throughout the story. (Dixon and Ivers are second reference when they are quoted.)The Ivers quote should be reworded..."If it weren't...the plot the entire meaning of the plot would be scattered upstagings." This doesn't make sense and "scattered upstagings" is jargon. Explain what that means by rewording it. The quote from Sarah Countryman should be paraphrased as well since it doesn't contribute directly to the story. The sentence about the original use of the theater doesn't flow into the story and should be cut. Relate the Countryman quote following that graph "It requires a lot..." back to the play. Remove the "Dr." in front of Countryman's name because it's second reference. Use a transition between graph 10 and 11 to flow into Alexander's quote on his experience. Perhaps add in Brooks or Bowman's own experiences with Shakespearean language in the process of preparing for the play. Remove "...said actor Ian Alexander." so it should read "...said Alexander." Also, "According to" is only used when referencing documents and department. So, take out the "according to" when referencing Alexander. The third to last graph about the number of costumes needs to be cut because it doesn't contribute to the story. In the second to last graph, the "with" be lowercased in the Countryman quote "The world is still...in love with love!" It's not necessary to capitalize this. In the last graph about the tickets, it should read the "tickets are $7" since it is an ongoing event.
#11:
Editor speaking: I wrote in black for clarity :)
-Watch your descriptive language: "fairly full", "attentive and laughing". This might just be a small thing, but as a journalist you need to be objective and not try your best not to include your opinion, just stick with the facts. Yeah I guess that's true. I was trying to be observant and include audience reaction because I know that's important but it's hard to do that without sounding like it's an opinion. Also, I didn't know how many people were there but most of the chapel was filled up so I didn't know how else to describe it. I'll work on rewording it though.
-I see what you are trying to do by including "ages 18 to about 75" but I think you could re-word this to say a wide age group, because you don't know specific ages Ok, that's true. I'll change it.
-I think from "contrary to the reputation.... to.... enjoyable person to be around." You can save this for later in the story. Because of readers short attention span I think it would be beneficial to go ahead and start with the summary. Oh ok yeah that would probably be better.
-You have very good transitions!
-Reference Hillary as Clinton instead of using her first name. Mr. Peterson told me to put first and last names on first reference but since I used last names for the other two in the bullets, yes, I should change that to be parallel.
-I think the graph after the summary is confusing. Maybe try to explain/reword why Brooks thinks its foolish to vote agains the Democrats. I agree, that does sound a confusing. I'll try to explain it better.
-When giving the reactions of people that went to see the speech make sure you break up the quotes with transition sentences so it's not quote after quote. For example before Dan Lipscomb's quote you could write: Many audience members said that they enjoyed the lecture and had different positive feeback. Ok, I'll work on that.
-Great quotes from Brooks.
-The sentence, "Brooks offered advice to students hoping to break..." seems out of place. Maybe introduce this new topic better because you are going from how Brooks feels about politics and then just abruptly switch to journalism. Yeah, it is kind of random. I'll add in a tie in the beginning.
-The last quote needs to have attribution. You could break the quote up and add attribution! Ok will do. Do you think that should be two paragraphs or one with attribution in the middle? I think that it would be okay to just make it one paragraph and add attribution in the middle.
-Quote attribution in general: use the name infront of "said." So like President Briggs said. Ok, I'll change that for all of them except to me it sounds awkward to say said after an introduction like sophomore history major Scott Alan Hill said. Don't you think? Yeah it does sound a little awkward just because we're not used to seeing it that way. When I started writing articles that was something I had to get used to.
-Make sure all quotes are attributed!
-Could you maybe include a graph about the Shatto lecture series and what it is? Yes, I could try to get some info. on that.
-Maybe you could get a quote from Alan Storey or someone that helped bring Brooks to campus. I'm not sure how successful I would be with that at this point but I'll try.
-Your main focus should be on the Brooks visit and the lecture itself, and you have done a great job doing that!
- I enjoyed reading your story, keep up the good work :) Thanks!
#12:
Overall this is a great topic but use more descriptive words that make the art pieces sound more interesting, what do the art pieces look like to you or the artist? Describe what you see and use fun, descriptive words (“green overtones,” great words…use more of that!)! The reader should be able to picture the artwork in their heads as they read, and I did not so much. Good idea - I didn't want to concentrate on that too much when I was first putting it together because I wanted to be careful not to make it a review, but now that you pointed it out, I realize that it needed those extra descriptions! “Mixed mediums,” what does that mean? I didn't think of that when I wrote it, but now it's in there. The first sentence is really confusing I think I fixed it... or at least made it better; paragraphs 2-4 should be moved to the end Got it!; intro should combine all the students' art themes into one brief paragraph, then break each theme apart I agree - I wasn't too fond of the major separation between the two artists in the article, but by the time I realized it, the article was due, so I am glad you ponted it out so I could change it a bit ; interview one or two of their art professors for a more credible source other than a students point of view Ok - I interviewed their advisor now; be careful of your punctuation around your quotations; don’t use passive voice (was able…she has…) OK!; on the second page, your one sentence paragraphs should be combined into one I did not see that at first since it was all double-spaced and made sense in my head, but now I see the problem with it; explain each theme a little more to develop a each paragraph more Alright!; AP style (no comma before and when listing 3 or more things); “The art has purpose,” what is the purpose? Be careful of how you arrange your paragraphs in the story; “The exhibit…” could you describe what you’re trying to say in a different and more clear way? I know, it only made perfect sense in my head and now I realize it was opinion-based as well; for your final piece, include pictures of students and their artwork; the “procrastinating” part is written very well and I really liked how the quote linked to that theme Thanks! (put together the sentences before and after the quote, that would make for a nice paragraph); at the end, should you add some about their future plans after graduation, because “I wouldn’t be in…” quote fits really well there, but it’d be nice to read what they have planned for after graduation, just a sentence or two. Check! Thanks for your input - all of your suggestions were wonderful and it was great to have someone else see my work and help me improve it!
#13:
First good on doing a paper on an interesting topic and something that you dont here a lot about. In the second sentence if you have the number of years that BMW has been going that would be good to put instead of sereral years. Sentence 3: Dealing then ( replace) mostly with .... it reads better with then. End this sentence at "see" and then begin next sentence with However. to take a car that was on display... reads better. I have talked with some people in the BMW group and they said that Andy John was the first pres, Andy Donnan was the second and Issac is the third. You dont have anything on Donnan. I think it would be good to contact him too. The sentence about the presidents is confusing too. It reads like Issac remembers did very little fot the club. I would reword that. Don't refer to them as "bikes" say motorcyles. You need to fix this throughout. Have been asked to come and participate..... needs and there. Berry College Campus police complaining..... reads better. The Richard brothers.... and his sentence is confusing. What does "enjoy footing the bill mean" Fix. The reason that BMW has not appeared ..... This sentence needs to be rewritten/ confusing. Alan Story is also the advisor for this group and you might want to try and talk with him. Make sure that your facts are right and please check the spelling on all names.
Thank you, I found it to be an interesting and fun piece to work on. First off do you have any suggestions for a more colorful lead? I made corrections to the areas that you pointed out, as well as Mr. Peterson’s concerns. Andy Johns was the first president, followed by Andy Donnan (awaiting spelling confirmation on his name), then Isaac Jessup who is the current president. I reworded the sentence to make it clearer when talking about the presidents. Also the couple of run-on sentences I had, I broke down even farther, writing tighter to make it less complex for the reader. Anything that said “bike” was changed to motorcycle as well as “car” to automobile, because when I hear car I think of something that is low to the ground like a sedan, compact, etc. Whereas automobile is more broad covering cars, SUV’s, truck and so forth. Overall I hope that sentence structure is more interpretable without quite as many AP errors. I did double check my facts and spelling on all names which were correct.
#14:
Good choice in topic, but the overall message needs to be clear. At first I wasn't aware the story was going to be a feature on the Provost, because it doesn't talk about her at all in the lead. Ok, I tried to clarify that...I mentioned her name in it. The arranging of material seems a little off to me. I think that you should talk about her background and where she came from and why she is qualified for the job first. You have her term at UNC Ashville was over 20 years as the closing sentence. I worked on this. Also some of the readers may not know what the Provost does, so a sentence explaining it could help the audience. Check for this. I added it in the nutgraph. Can you get a quote from anybody that worked with her at UNC Ashville? I e-mailed someone up there, but have not gotten a response yet...I'm still holding out for Monday morning. Make sure that you update the information like Laura Sutton is now the SGA president. You talk about how it is a good time for her family to make the transition, why was it? She has two kids it would be nice to know their names, and is she married? Ok. I got this and added it in more towards the beginning with the background, etc. What does her being a parent add to being a provost? In the interview with Tom Dasher, the quote you have from him starting with "It's important…" what does that have to do with Dr. Whatley? You're right...I'm not sure. I took it out. At the end you talk about the committee, is it relevant? Ok, right again. Not so much....Do you have any suggestions for a way to end? The end quote from Whatley, isn't doing anything for me, anybody could say that about anything. Overall it is great, but the organization can really help the flow of the story making it a much better paper. Thanks!
#15:
awkward lead, reword it. Why were the plans halted with the original committee? What were the committee’s findings? I have spoken to a few coaches about the situation and they said the committee was non-conclusive, in other words the committee could not agree on anything, which is not what you said in the article so fact check. It looks like you have stated why D3 is influential, but you have not made it obvious that is what you are doing, try doing that and the transition might be a little better. Do you have a dissenting opinion against Carlisle, this is a really strong opinion in one direction and to keep your story non-bias you need an opinion that reflects the other side. Try and get an interview with Dr. Briggs and a Coach so you can have all angles of the story covered.
i will work on rewording my lead. JP pointed out that the phrase "are preparing for..." might have some accuracy issues. i'll work on this! also, i will take out the word "join" because i wasn't sure how good it sounded anyway.
i will reword the third paragraph to give better clarification as to why the plans were "soon halted"...the plans were indeed halted because the committee was inconclusive and decided it would be better to reassess when the cage center was built. i will redo this...
i tried to do a good transition on the second page, with: "Division III, however, would carry with it the most influential..." could you explain why this isn't good enough? I just believe that if you reworded it the flow of the article could be better.
i don't have a student's dissenting opinion against carlisle; the best positive opinion i had was heida's. i'll work on finding another student athlete...no promises though. Look up team rosters on Berry's Website and do the same for Coaches. Send a few e-mails. Its worth a try.
last thing, i'm not sure about the availability of briggs or a coach from now until monday afternoon...but i sure will try.
thanks for the info...
One Final comment how is d3 supposed to be used in ap style?
The flow and transistions of the entire article are much better. Your entire article is still very bias. Paragrah 4 have you seen the report? Paragraph 6 set up quote more. Paragrah 9 you need attributions for why d3 is the way we are leaning. Also explain more why d1 and d2 are not proper fits. You just leave your reader hanging. Paragraph 10 who says that d3 is the most likely destination. Once again look up team rosters on Berry's Website and do the same for Coaches. Send a few e-mails. Coaches and athletes as a whole are very easy to talk to and are willing to give opinion. I would know, I am one and know most athletes and coaches personally. Is Carlisle on scholarship for both? Its my understanding that you can only be on scholarship for one sport. Paragraph 16 who says that we could take be moving to d3 this june? and who says that we would be on probation until 2012. Also does Heida say anything about other divisions?
#16:
You obviously were able to get a load of sources, but I feel like I'm reading a bunch of qoutes rather than you telling me what is going on.Some of the quotes seem a little out of place or don't make sense. Its like you are saying... This is what this person thinks, and this is what this person thinks. So and so said this. This person doesn't even care... Yes I am exadurating a bit but take those sources and turn it into content! Take what you have learned from those people and actually write the story. Go talk to Berry's Public Relations department. I think Alan Storey might be able to help you out. Also, you use phrases like "some feel" and "most students" - honestly, just don't do that. Use a wider vocabulary or your story will sound very flat and uninteresting. You have an interesting topic, but the story as is doesn't stand out. I assume that there has not been a breakdown of where the money is going. Why not, and where is the existing money going? Take care of the points I mentioned, and you should have a great story!
Hey, thanks for the input! I agree that the quotes were just kind of thrown in there. I'll see if i cant go talk to Alan tomorrow if I get a chance. I did however get an over e-mail interview with the assistant to the vice president of finance. I think this should help some. Maybe give it more of an actual story feel. What do you mean by wider vocabulary? Can you elaberate a little bit on that if you get a chance?
I hope you get this in time, someone keeps saving over what I type...
First off, the story reads better. Pat yourself on the back. However, there are a few errors in spelling and grammar.
Paragraph 2 – Synomonous should be synonymous
Paragraph 3 – their should be they are or they’re
Paragraph 5 – Try rewording the first sentence. The word “wants” strikes me as odd for some reason. Perhaps it would sound better if I said “would like” but its ultimately your choice.
Paragraph 11 – “Expected operating costs for Berry are expected…” reword. It’s a bit redundant.
Paragraph 13 – “…it printed an editorial…” reword. Suggestion: “…an editorial was printed…”
Paragraph 17 – Contractions sound weird. Change “weren’t” to “were not.”
Paragraph 18 – “its” is a contraction and should be “it’s” and “Your” should be “You are” or “ You’re”
Paragraph 20 – “a bonners’ scholar” seems redundant because you explain that she is a Bonner Scholar in the previous paragraph.
Otherwise, you’re good. If you wanted to add more I would suggest finding out why Berry does or does not release where tuition goes. Also I would suggest looking at your last tuition bill.
#17:
Is it more a news story than a feature? Vice versa? What's your main idea/angle? how should it flow? Can you find more content? Good sources. What was the atmosphere like? Full sound on a sunny day or muffled noise on a dreary day?.
Hey - this is like the third time I've posted, so I do hope you don't think I'm just not replying! Anyways, I've given my rewrite and I hope it's better. Let me know! Thanks!
#18:
- Is this story meant to highlight the club on campus or the individual? I see where confusion may arise— I'll work on changing the wording/angle to bring the focus back to the individual.
- Is Anne Callaway a prominent member (President, Vice President, etc) of the club? If so, that should be mentioned. Ah, yes, you are correct. Thank you.
- Great lead, definitely drew me in. Could you maybe link the conclusion back to the beginning or tie up the loose ends? I don't leave with a sense of completion. Understood. I'll do what I can to write up a conclusion similar to the lead
- Need better explanation of the "43 credit hours." Are you making a statement that he his time to play the game because he's ahead in hours or that he's smart or what? You're right— clarification is needed. It was supposed to be understood that he doesn't slack off to play games, that he's a good student. I'll rewrite
- Like I previously mentioned, I really like the lead. But, it takes a while to understand it. (I don't get the gist of the story until the third or fourth paragraph. Hmm, I'll see if I can make the progression less motley — tried, but with the quotes I have, the delayed lead can't be clarified any sooner. I see the second graph (The very first quote) as an extension of the lead. It's still bringing the reader into the fantasy factor of it. The third graph brings the reality, and if there's any question the subsequent quote clarifies all. If you believe this progression is still problematic, I'm definitely open to suggestions. But believe me when I say that the best quotes have been used.
- Your sources are good, but see if you can maybe find one more. Maybe another club member? Or one of his professors to comment about his academic/student role. I've attempted to search for others who know my subject and are also privy to his gaming habits, but the pickings are slim. I can think of one individual, however, and I'll do what I can to interview that person.
